When Alison first moved to Dublin she stayed in a hostel for a while. She eventually found herself a job in Swords.  It was a very progressive multinational company where she worked for the Financial Controller.  Sometimes she had to work late, but it was a means to an end.  She felt like she was starting from scratch but she put her skills to good use, and soon felt she was really fitting in.  She moved from a bed-sit to a comfortable flat in Drumcondra.  Money was tight after paying the rent, but she still managed to socialise at weekends with a few of the girls from work.  Two evenings a week she worked as a waitress at a local hotel.  She put on her uniform, a black dress and little white apron tied around her waist. They were mostly corporate functions and dinner dances.  It was hard work but she liked the other women and enjoyed the banter.  The evenings went by quickly.  Although she didn’t finish until just after midnight, it was only a ten minute walk to her flat.  She didn’t tell anyone at her day job what she was doing.  It was no one’s business.  Allison was managing week to week, but she realised the importance of having money put by for a rainy day.

Alison met up with her friends from work every Saturday night and they went dancing at the Television Club.  It was there she met John.  He was tall, with dark wavy hair, and a smile like the sun coming through the clouds. They hit it off straight away.  He was working in Dublin for a few years and they started to meet up every weekend.  They went dancing, or sometimes to the pictures.  Other times they took a bus and went walking in the countryside.  Hand in hand, they enjoyed nature’s beauty around them, and they laughed a lot.  It all seemed so natural and easy to be in his company.  Alison was invited to Carlow one weekend to meet his parents.  She was excited but not sure what to expect. She brushed her long auburn hair until it shone.  Picking her outfit carefully, she finally settling on a pale blue shift dress with a white cardigan.  Jumper and jeans would be fine for the following day.  She didn’t want to feel too dressed up. John was one of a big family and they welcomed her like one of their own.  Being an only child, she marvelled at the fun and sharing John’s family had together.  He sometimes talked about the future, and there was no doubt in her mind that she was to be part of it.  But it was early days.

When she was eighteen, she had met and fallen in love with the gorgeous Alistair.  He was so attentive and caring.  He made her feel like the luckiest girl in the world.  He worked in the same building as she did, so it didn’t seem unusual to her that he would be at the station when she got there in the mornings, and waiting each evening when she finished work. Her mother said she was seeing too much of him, that he seemed a bit possessive, but what do mothers know when she felt so happy.  Two years later, they got married.   It was all very exciting setting up home together, shopping for furniture and decorating.  When it was just the two of them, things were wonderful.  Occasionally, she would visit her parents or a friend. When she got home and wanted to tell him all the news, he would remain silent, so she learnt to tell him the barest of detail. The cold expression on his face was enough.  His moods worried her, and she’d get the silent treatment if she disagreed with him.

“Are you alright Alison” her mother said one day when she visited.  “Of course mum” Alison said.  She pulled down the sleeve of her cardigan to hide the bruises. “You would tell me if anything was wrong Alison?”.  “Everything’s fine mum” Alison said.  She saw the long look her mother gave her, but quickly changed the subject and put on her best smile.  They were married almost two years, and it was becoming unbearable.  There were constant ridiculous accusations and shouting. She was tip-toeing around him.   The last straw was when he hit her, sending her sprawling across the floor.  As he tried to grab her hair, he tripped and she made her escape out the front door.  It was dark and raining. She had no coat, no money, and only the flimsy shoes she wore around the house on her feet.  She was soaked to the skin.  Her hair was stuck to her head and her feet were soaked through. She was so cold she felt she would never warm up again. By the time she eventually stood on her parent’s doorstep, she knew she would never go back.

One night Alison and John were out dancing.  When the band took a break, she excused herself to go to the ladies room.  On her way back, she was caught off-balance by someone grabbing her arm.  “I knew I’d catch up with you one day” he said, swinging her towards him, so close she could feel his breath.  Her heart raced as she saw the face she’d hoped never to see again.

“Let go of me” she said, in a voice that didn’t sound like her own.  She whipped her arm out of his reach and as she turned, she ran straight into one of the bouncers.  “Is this man troubling you miss?” he said. The old fears gripped her.  There was a scuffle as he struggled with the bouncer who managed to ushere him outside.  John saw the commotion, and rushed over to her.  “Who was that” John said, as he put his arm around her shoulder. “It was no one” she said.

They sat for a while in silence.  He handed her his handkerchief.  Her mascara was running down her face. The shaking stopped and she was beginning to feel in control again. The dance was nearly over and it was time to leave. When they reached the path outside, Alison looked left and right, terrified that he might still be around.  They were lucky to get a waiting taxi and went back to her flat.  John didn’t press her for an explanation, but when he made them coffee, she though it was time to tell him.  “I’m not who you think I am John.  There’s things that happened before I met you that I’ve never told you about”.  As she watched his expression, and the kindness in his eyes, she suddenly knew what it was like to feel safe.

Josephine Nolan