Good Things do Happen (when you least expect them)

If I wanted to, I could make a long list of all the bad things that happened to me over the years, but I won’t depress myself.  Thinking of the last year alone would be reason enough to jump off a cliff.

First of all, there was that new job. It was in an advertising company, a bit of a change for me.  When I walked through the glass doors into the large reception area, I felt I was already going up a notch.  There was red leather couches, chrome pillars and exotic plants everywhere.  The girl behind the reception desk looked like something out of Vogue.  When she called my name, I noticed she wore false eyelashes, and nails that had never seen a scrubbing brush.  “I’m too old for this place” I thought.  “Positive thoughts!” I told myself.  I immediately switched to a different persona and let the “new me” do the talking.

I did get the job, much to my surprise, and the following weekend, decided to go on a spending spree, credit card in hand.  I needed a few new outfits to fit the job, and, well, I hadn’t spent anything on myself in a long time.  The only trouble was, I wanted to be savvy about what I bought. I purchased two new suits, then I had to buy two blouses to go with them.  My present shoes looked a bit shabby when I tried on a new pair, and well, I’d had the bag since God knows when.  “Start from the inside out” was what all the stylists tell you, so out with the old and in with the new. To top it all, there was a really good hair stylists waiting for me to take the plunge.  I was getting a bit anxious when I saw all the hair on the floor around me, but a young trainee soon swept it out of sight.   I had palpitations thinking what I had spent, but consoled myself that with the new job and good wages, I’d have the credit card paid off in no time.  It was all great.  I settled in with the new job, new people, and things really looked rosy.  Then came the bombshell.  Six months in, and the firm went bust.  Some of the girls said they could see it coming, but there wasn’t a whisper until we all got our marching orders.

And so I left with one arm as long as the other.  My friend and I drank two bottles of wine discussing my next move, and apart from a sore head on Sunday morning, my options didn’t look good.  Weeks went by.  I got some Temping here and there.  I could just about pay the rent, but what was left didn’t even stretch to a bottle of vino on Saturday night.  I muddled through.  After sending off several CV’s and going to a few interviews, I got a job as secretary in an insurance office.  I was on the up again.  Bills were being paid, including my credit card.  I had no high notions about status in my new employment.  At least I had the new clothes to give the impression of someone upwardly mobile.  I declined the after work drinks and lunches out.  I kept my head down.  People started to talk about holidays abroad and plans for the summer.  I said I was going to a relative living on the coast.  Surprisingly no one showed much interest, so I got away with it.  I was making it up anyway

I often thought about how easy it was for other people my age to have their lives sorted.  Husbands, family, nice homes, holidays abroad.  My life seemed to just struggle mundanely onwards, month after month.  I remember being told years ago to “be grateful for what you’ve got.  There are other people worse off”.  Yes, I know.  It’s all relative really, isn’t it?  I’d fantasize about winning the lottery, while I sat with my feet up watching the soaps on television.  I’d buy a house by the sea, give some money to my family, give some to charity, and some to the RSPCA.  I’d make sure I had a nest egg so that I’d never have to worry about everyday bills again.  Those kind of dreams kept me going, even when week after week I felt like I was throwing money down the drain.  Then, out of the blue, I was asked out by this lovely man from work. “Play it cool” I told myself.  I tried not to be too keen.  “Sorry I can’t make it this Friday, but if you’re free next week sometime, that would be great” I told him.  I bought a video on Friday night so I wouldn’t be thinking of him.  We went out the following Thursday night.  He took me to a lovely restaurant in the city centre straight from work.  I reverted to my “new persona” and made myself feel like I was really used to eating out at stylish restaurants.  Strangely enough, it felt natural.  Life was really meant to be like this. I’d love to ask you in” I said coyly when he dropped me home,  “only my sister is staying and has to get up early tomorrow morning”, I lied.  He kissed me on the lips, lingering for a moment, and looked back before getting into his car.   Did that look mean he believed me or he didn’t?  I wasn’t sure. He must have liked me because we went out for six months.  Then he told me he was being transferred abroad.  I never quite understood what he did for a living, though I did try to find out.  He was always a bit evasive.   I minded more being on my own after that.

Then I got notice on my flat because the landlord was in trouble financially and was selling the house.  I felt I was back to square one again.   A girl from work told me about a flat that was going near her and I took it.  It was a dump, but It would do for a while. I felt so dejected, I joined the local tech and did an Assertiveness Course, for all the good that did me!

It’s funny how things work out.  Just when I thought I couldn’t cope with another disappointment, I met a girl from school.  We had been friends, but lost touch over time.  She had moved to New York and as we sat having coffee in “The Paradiso”, I was mesmerised at the stories she was telling me.  While my life was going from one fiasco to another, she was on the up and up in the Big Apple, living the life.

Now, months later, home after another working day, I look across the river and I’m dazzled by the New York skyline. I wonder why it took me so long to see that there could be something better.  I do miss home.  I miss, well I’m sure there’s plenty of things I miss, if I had the time to think about them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Their World

Stepping out on her porch in the garden

Drawn by the laughter and cheer

She listened and walked a bit further

Stepping close to the fence, not too near

A stick broke beneath her, she panicked

It cracked like a whip in the air

She held onto the fence, hardly breathing

Didn’t want them to know she was there.

 

A family were seated together

Enjoying the afternoon sun

Their glasses were raised to each other

A birthday or some sort of fun

They laughed and enjoyed one another

So easy and joyful and gay

In a world of their own little bubble

Each one with so much to say

 

Back in her own little parlour

So empty and quiet these years

She thought of her sons and her daughter

Farewells and so many tears

Their phone calls and letters would cheer her

Bring news of the lives that they had

How happy she was they were thriving

They’d never be told she was sad

Daughters

I don’t remember the tears or sleepless nights

I don’t remember the tiredness

I see fleeting moments of smiling faces

Pretty dresses, ‘what have you done’ thoughts

The years passed so quickly

 

I remember their first trips abroad

I planted a rose called “Patience”

On all their journey’s, I prayed

Saw photos of sun on their faces

Love in their hearts

 

Christmas was our time, our joy

A bonus each year they came home

New Year was theirs, with their friends

They were with me wherever they were

I travel with them in my mind

 

Our numbers are bigger and smaller

A generation apart but together

Time for their own children now

Their loves, their hopes and their dreams

Still my best work, my two daughters.

Meanwhile

Meanwhile, the sun was shining.  She stood by the grave.   Her dearest friend would be lowered into the earth.  Family and friends stood around, solemn.   A sprinkle of rain fell.  One or two umbrellas went up, but there was really no need.  It was a soft late summer’s morning. The sun had its way of appearing again.

Meanwhile, she was back in her own house after all the goodbyes and promises to keep in touch.  She stared at the few photographs she had taken out the night before.   Her friend was always making faces for the camera.   She could hear her voice – “now you have it!” her friend would say, when you ‘got’ what she was trying to describe.  With eyes stinging, she gave a deep sigh.  She rested back into the armchair.  Her mind flitted from one memory to another, recalling all the years they had been the best of friends.

Meanwhile, the world would go on without her.

The Camera

Everywhere I’ve travelled, since I was a young girl, I’ve always carried a camera.  There are photographs of teenage years at home with my family, Mum, Dad, Aunt Lilly, my three sisters younger brother and our dog.  We are all in the back garden, posing.  Dad looks very serious, but Mum and Aunt Lilly, are smiling as are my siblings.  Rory, our black and tan Manchester terrier which we got from Battersea Dogs Home a few years before, sits in the middle looking at me.  Perfect!

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Inheritance

It was early October.  Monica had just received a letter from Solicitors in Dublin that she had inherited a cottage.  She had to think at first who Kathleen Buchanan was.  Then she realised it was old Aunt Kate whom she hadn’t seen in years.  Monica was sitting at the kitchen table, the early summer sun streaming through the window.  She picked up her reading glasses, read the letter once, and put the kettle on to make a cup of tea.  She studied the letter again until she heard the kettle switch off.  After making her tea, she read the letter over again.  Her heart was beating a little faster with the shock and surprise.  She wanted to pick up the phone and ring Andrew, her husband.  On second thoughts, she decided to ring the Solicitors.

 

It had been at least 20 years since Monica and her mother called to see Aunt Kate, but she always sent a card at Christmas and Easter.  Aunt Kate would stand at the half-door of her two-bedroomed cottage watching for passers by and a chat.  On that last occasion Aunt Kate was standing by the door, her old dog Bobby outside, alerted to someone approaching.  Aunt Kate made us tea.  Monica watched as Aunt Kate took a tea-towel from around the bread.  She remembered being told, probably by her mother, that a damp tea-towel around the bread straight from the oven, kept the crust soft.  Aunt Kate cut a few slices of freshly baked soda bread, and butter Monica knew she had churned herself.  The smell of baking was still in the kitchen and the logs on the fire flickered and smouldered.  It was such a warm and cosy place. Aunt Kate made us feel so welcome.

 

It was finally the day to visit the cottage.  It was early May when Monica and Andrew set off on their journey to Mayo.   Andrew, who was tall and athletic, leaned his head forward from the glare of the bright sunshine.  It promised to be a good drive for their journey. They would stop for lunch somewhere along the way, but wanted to make as much headway as possible before then.  By the time they turned off the motorway and passed through the town of Tullaghan, Monica could feel the anticipation rising.  She glanced at Andrew, who stared ahead, weaving down the narrow road.  “If they didn’t find it soon, they’d end up in the sea”, she thought, as the sun shimmered between trees and bushes.

 

Andrew brought the car to a screeching halt.  “Sorry”, he said. “Is that it”. They glanced towards a cottage on the right hand side of the road.  They got out and saw a sad dilapidated house, surrounded by overgrown bushes, ivy growing around the windows.  The white paint on the window-frames and front door was faded and peeling. Yellowed lace curtains barely hung together.  Andrew had to push the door with his shoulder as he turned the key.  They walked into a large parlour with flagstone floor, a smell of mustiness assaulting their nostrils.  Andrew found the switch just inside the door but there was no electricity.  As their eyes adjusted to the darkness, they could see a table, covered with a plastic table-cloth, and four wooden chairs.  A black range dominated the room, with two armchairs on either side, upholstered in a brown and white jaded looking material.  Dust hung in the air.  A large dresser stood on one side of the room with a set of blue and white plates, cups and saucers. There was a window straight ahead, cobwebs decorating the corners, and an old wireless on the windowsill.  A square white sink was underneath, with a material curtain covering a few shelves. On the floor, was a bundle of old newspapers.  Monica looked at the one on top of the pile, The Connaught Tribune, 1995.  She had never heard that Aunt Kate had passed away, or the circumstances of her death.  “How careless we get when we are so wrapped up in our own lives”, she thought.  There were two bedrooms off the parlour, with double beds and wardrobes.  Each had a small table with jug and bowl on top, and a small mirror over one of them.  Pictures of landscapes were above the beds in both rooms.  The light from the small windows cast a shadow of dust onto the multi-coloured eiderdowns, but the rooms were neat, with wooden floors, and a well worn mat beside the beds.  The wardrobes were empty.  Andrew tried to open the windows to let some air in, but they wouldn’t budge.

 

Monica walked back into the parlour.  She felt down-hearted and sad.  The house felt bereft of the joy she remembered on her last visit so many years before.  She thought she heard a scuttle in the corner, near the fireplace, and grabbed Andrew’s arm.  There were old photographs above the mantelpiece, and a picture of the Sacred Heart with ‘Bless This House’ on the wall above.  She looked closer. It was Kate and her husband James on their wedding day.  There was also a photo of a young boy, holding a fishing rod beside the sea.  That must be Peter, their only child.

 

With a little effort and resistance, the back door creeked open.  The garden was over- grown. An apple tree with a rickety old chair underneath it, had already deposited its bounty onto the ground for the birds and whatever roamed in the undergrowth. In spite of neglect, there were the last of the bluebells and primroses dotted here and there. Daffodils had pushed themselves up effortlessly, competing with brambles and dandelions.  “What a view!” Andrew said pointing down towards the end of the garden. They slowly made their way through the wilderness as far as they could go, Andrew taking the lead. Suddenly, the Atlantic Ocean stretched out in front of them. Its calm blue waters softly rippling as far as the eye could see.  The evening sun spread out its rays of silver and diamonds.  Andrew took Monica’s hand as they stood together on the shore, mesmerized. The soft splash of waves licked the shore all at once and then here and there, lapping at their feet.   Monica felt this was as close to heaven as she had ever been on this earth.

 

Back in the house, Monica lifted up the newspapers.  A manuscript slipped out.  It was neatly written in pen and ink on yellowed foolscap sheets.  She flicked through the musty pages and read a few passages here and there.  “When we arrived in New York”, she read on one page.  “The house in Brooklyn was so noisy”. Further on “We had finally found our place in this city, when my life was turned upside down”.  Monica sat down in the nearest armchair, scanning through the pages.  Andrew was still looking around the house outside.  When he came back into the parlour, he said “Its time to head back to Dublin, Monica”. She looked up at him, smiling.  She said “Andrew, I’ve just found a manuscript written by Aunt Kate.  I had no idea she had lived in America. I knew her husband had died leaving her to bring up Peter on her own.  But I thought that all happened here”.  As they headed out the front door, Monica held the manuscript in her folded arms.  What would they do with the house?  It was already pulling at her heart-strings.

Bella

Bella felt she was really getting her life together after several years of struggling. She had moved to London when she was eighteen and shared a flat in Shoreditch with Sarah, a girl she knew from home. Sarah worked in an insurance company in Liverpool Street. After a few non-starters, Bella got a job at a local hairdressers as an apprentice.  She had no experience except a desire to learn a trade and better herself. It was a means to an end and her first foot on the ladder.  What she really wanted was to save enough money to go to one of the hairdressing academies. There she would gain more experience and realise her ambition of working as a hairdresser to the stars. That was well out of her reach, but she had to start somewhere.

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